So surprise! I got myself into a bad situation.. And now I've got myself out. Then I found out that a past bad situation wasn't as bad as i believed it was.. But the damage isn't fixed just questioned.. Then I became under the impression that a person I hurt had moved on rather quickly so like an idiot i regain communication, just a simple, "hey what's up?" and that has turned into literally 40 texts in the last two days probably 5 of which i have vaugely replied to..

I'm sick of me whining about everything but i'm soo stumped

I need to take time for me but I still worry about others, I want to be happy and fun like I used to be but i'm fucking depressed and I don't want to hurt anyone and I Don't want to hurt anymore. I want to tell people what I think but I get scared and I edit and reword and blah blah blah

I love what we had Id love to have it again but i've built triple thick walls around my heart and for good reason.

I looked back on my "love" blog, I said I don't want my current relationship to end the same way but it did. Now from all of my combined experience it seems that love does end in hurt, lying etc.

We got comfortable we loved one another and then he lied.. ALOT.. promised to change..

now i'm hurt thinking he might be with someone else but then again i would want to know..

And then there's the past which i've ignored for so long

Too much too much

Dreams haunted.
Disappointment.
Bad Decisions.
No Motivation.

No Reason to be Upset.
Don't worry.
Everythings fine.

It's Not.

When you find True Love you'll know it.

I Know it.. I believe i've loved before, as much as i understood but i wasn't completely happy with myself and tried to please others too much, losing myself in the process. I couldn't have loved someone completely when i was hiding, numbing, or completely unaware of parts of myself. I don't regret anything and wish the best for those people in my past.

If you stopped partying and no one talks to you anymore they probably didn't like you too much in the first place.

I realized that a few months after i was sober that was true. And now that i'm over a year with only drinking about 5 times, 3 of which were in 2008, I know who my true friends are. The number is few i assume thats a comment on my character, right?  

The people i used to know were friends of friends i assume. I'm a good person and if they got to know sober me i bet they would have stuck around, but i'm not to stressed about it. I hope they are all well.

I used to live in a fantasy world i was overly optimistic, that was true but i was really happy in a situation that i kept getting pushed out of so i was optimistic because i thought i could make others around me happy as well.. the fantasy world was immaturity, i replaced that with numbing problems with alcohol, which is just destructive.

When i started to write this i was angry, now i'm just sad.

there's so much stress, so much bad news, so much to deal with, so many mistakes, i hate negativity and i'm full of it right now..

i dunno what to do

I want to write but i have no motivation, no creativity, i need to clean, i need to work, i don't want to do anything..

the t.v's out.

i want a cig

i want coffee

i want a friend

i don't want to talk

but i do

i want an easy fix to my broken spirit

Why is it broken? what's the problem?

You know as well as i do...

Things are different now......

I have a successful relationship.

I have a best friend.

I have a steady job,

Doing good in school,

enjoying life

But i have lost touch with Just about everyone from my past..

In someways i needed this change, For a Short Time, but i thought more people cared about me. I'm disappointed. and hurt.

For the first time in my life i'm really doing well,i'm being responsible and plan to have a career by this time next year! i have a POS car but aside from that i'm great. And i feel like i have no one to tell. I was alone all day today and the only people i knew i could call without awkwardness were few.

i don't know if this is just what it's like when we really grow up and quit partying or if i did something wrong.

i feel like i've really discovered myself:o)

Does anyone care?

Love, the question of the day. What the hell is it? Have I felt it before? Have you?

Lets start with textbook definition

Love is: 

1.	a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.	a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.	sexual passion or desire.

4.	a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.	(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.	a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.	sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.	(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9.	affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10.	strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11.	the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.	the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13.	Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.

14.	a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

15.	to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.

16.	to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

17.	to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.

18.	to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19.	to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

20.	to have sexual intercourse with.

21.	to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

22.	love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.

23.	for love, a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure. b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.

24.	for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.

25.	in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.

26.	in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.

27.	make love, a. to embrace and kiss as lovers. b. to engage in sexual activity.

28.	no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

Ok so maybe there isn't an accurate description. When talking to others about this subject I've gotten a plethora of answers on the meaning of this word. When referring to past relationships I've noticed lots of similarities, love generally entails a long relationship where people do anything for the other without regard for themselves and one or both parties end up hurt. But I don't have ongoing opinions; these are all based on past relationships

In psychology classes I've been in, unconditional love has been labeled as the highest form of love, only to be reached after time. Unconditional love, love without conditions, the kind of love that keeps marriages together, the kind that they always find in the movies. Now I ask, when someone has been deceived so many times how can they fully trust again? How can anyone completely trust anyone? Now you have been deceived as well, most people have been more than a dozen times, so what do you think?

I used to think in my immaturity that we grow up, fall in love, the other person falls in love with you and the feelings are so strong that neither party could even consider lying, cheating or deceiving the other. But this belief has been proven wrong in every relationship I've been in thus far.

So with these similarities and my experiences with 'love' I believe that a level of vulnerability is inevitable. I have realized that truth before, which is why you get that scared feeling when you start to trust someone with your feelings. You know that you can get hurt and in most cases it is inevitable but we do it anyways… but why? For love right?

Now I ask, why must we always get hurt when this word finds it's way into a relationship? A part of me still believes that someday it wont end In heartbreak, that I'll find the love that won't hurt, but I've got little to go on. What if an inexperienced, or misled heart like myself, finds love for the second, third or first time?

Is a certain amount of screw-ups inevitable before you find the right person? Does everything happen for a reason and those screw ups lead you to the right person?

I just wish someone would tell me because I have been in nothing but screwed relationships and I don't want my current relationship to end like the others. I really feel like I found a counterpart, a good fit, a great person and I've got these feelings that are different. Indescribable.

In my past relationships, once the word is said, things change. Things are good, great even then they inevitably spiral. He cheats, he breaks it off, he finds someone better, and he starts pulling away and lying. Or he breaks it off, cheats, lies then realizes what he did wrong and promises to do better (wash rinse repeat).

So I've stuck it out in those types of situations, and when people ask me why I was so stupid I reply, "I loved him". But did love make me stupid? Or was I stupid because I've never been in love? That is the question.

I guess i'll figure it out in hindsight bias. that seems to happen often. my last love told me that i'd know real love when it happens. well i've got all these experiences and all these lessons to go on so that sounds good to me.

If we've got to risk heartbreak for the chance at "real love" then i guess thats what i'll continue to do. 

all i know is that i wouldn't trade the feelings that i have and the position that i'm in for anything in the world. i feel like all the good karma that i built up has finally hit cause the bad karma hung around for far too long.

If real love exists i'll find it one day or it'll find me. i'll just keep believing

Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge....

For the first time in my life i feel as though it is all coming together. The clouds that hovered above me for so long, allowing only a skewed version of happiness, have lifted. This cloud has dissipated leaving my past to be viewed as merely a dream. The lessons i've learned remain clear, while the hurt and disillusion seem unreal.

When confronted, the hurt and disillusion are indeed true, i wish i could magically make them vanish but i cannot. i am helpless, the past that i was deeply rooted in, still plays a part in my life. But all this does is prove to me who my true friends really are, those who care about me as a person. Now, my former "significant other", whom is my current "character assassin" has accused of wanting his "fame" his "popularity" which is, and i have proven to be, something i want nothing to do with. I want no such thing, HIS friends are still indeed HIS friends. I will not argue, i will not battle. anyone who has known me as simply "Stoner's Girlfriend" can re-name me "Stoner's EX-Girlfriend" and move on.

I am no longer that person, i am ME. The Katie that alot of people are proud to say are their friend.

I went through a rough time. And i believe, that is an understatement. I have recently went through the WORST time of my life. I recovered. i realize that i did, and said alot of stupid things when i was wasted and unhappy before. I thought that i was growing up, but i was really regressing to a state of immaturity that i would have skipped over, excluding my situation at the time. I sincerely apologize to ANYONE that i offended when i was drunk. I Cannot believe that i let myself get that bad and i feel ashamed and embarrassed that i showed that side of me to anyone.

I didn't even know that side existed until after the fact. Noone deserved to be treated the way i treated them in that state

I was a Shitty person, and i still do not understand why i let it go on for so long... Identity crisis? Horrible misjugement? Either way i'm very sorry.

Whether or not you care, i am doing better for myself, i have concrete best friends that don't give a fuck about the gossip cause they knew the truth since the second it happened. I have people who care for me and understand when i tell them about my past.

but, do you have that? do you wanna be a nobody who has one person who will smoke pot with you and stay stationary? or do you want to have somebody who wil realize your true potential and push you to acheive that no matter how far away it may seem? you tell me.. cause i know what i want, i know where i'm going.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
Their spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I'm especially slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said evertything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said "this is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Then waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me
-----------------------------------------

Things are different. things are actually really good. I have finally realized that MY happiness and MY being is, in some cases, more important than those of others. Now don't get me wrong, i am still the good natured person who enjoys making others happy, but now after years of neglecting myself in order to please others i have realized that I am important.

In the last few years i have lost myself. i have censored myself and changed myself to suit others. i played happy when i was merely content. after a long period of some good and mostly bad in personal and business situations i decided to take action. to take a chance and try to find a truly happy way to live. i used to like myself so much, i had my teenage times of insecurity and self loathing, but for a while there i was satisfied with the person i was. strong willed, trustworthy, and basically fun to be around. i lost that. all of that. i became a mere shell of that person. i numbed myself with alcohol, i neglected my true friends, i believed that it was just evolution, that i was becoming a "mature adult". in a moment of clarity i realized that, if the way i was living was truly adulthood like i was led to believe, that life was going to be depressing and mediocre. what i was truly becoming was a blue coller alcoholic. i worked, hated my job, got home and drank myself to sleep. i screwed up a semester of college, my ticket out of that way of life. i viewed my irresponsibility as fun good times. and it was good and fun, but less then the standards that i wish to set for myself.

i chose to change, to really take action. to get away from the mediocrity that was my life. i quit my job, left my partner in mediocrity and started new. while i hurt those people along the way, i hope that one day they will reach a similar realization and strive for more. i deserve more, the people i worked with deserve more and justin deserves more.There is still time for them, still plenty of chances, but i needed to make the first move.

I have gotten my drinking under control, i can honestly refer to myself as a social drinker for the first time in years.

I am surrounding myself with people who want to know me, the real me. I have found one specific person who has been getting to know me and i feel so grateful for this. I have been open about my past, my shortcomings, my good qualities and my plans for the future as well as my search for happiness. We connect in a way that i can't quite explain, but it's good and i'm happy with that. I feel comfortable, i don't censor anything, he doesn't judge me on my crazy past experiences and i think it's safe to say that he likes ME. For the first time that i can remember I am showing my true self to someone and being accepted as who i am, not who he wants me to be.

i feel free, i feel alive, i feel happy.

I feel as though i've just woken up.

not only is life a constantly moving roller coaster of emotions and events, it's different in the way that you can experience the best and the worst at the same time.

my love life is going amazing. we are living together and aside from little room for both of our stuff it is working out great.

work is alright but the uncertain schedule is pretty rough

school is pretty great, except for the online class is hard to keep up with.

friends, well.. i'm down to just a few, had to weed out some people who obviously didn't care for my friendship very much.

freetime, i have none.

a regular day of mine now consists of this:

Wake up 8:00 am get ready then drive an hour to school

back to back classes from 10 until 12:30ish then an hour break.

class at 1:30-2:45 an hour drive home.

work 5-10 home by 10:30, 11

pick up justin at Midnight and hopefully be awake enough to hang out for awhile.

repeat with slight variation. now add in, oil change, getting sick, paying bills, eating, homework, visiting friends or family..

i think the most stressful part of the regular day is that i have lost touch with so many people because i never stop moving. and when i do get a chance to relax, i don't want to do anything!

drinking has been my only social activity for quite awhile, and the idea of that adds more stress to my life. i cannot be an alcoholic. although as far as the definition is concerned i believe that i may already be one..

i don't have time to deal with that.

anyways..

i had a little free time in the last week or so and got to hang out with andy and frey andy is the only friend i've been able to stay in touch with that doesn't get pissed if i don't call him all the time. or even more unheard of, he actually calls me!

i'm glad that frey has gotten ahold of me lately too. he understands the whole work school bullshit i'm goin through cause he's doing it too. seeing a different face is refreshing. and we all get along really well, it's good to have even a few friends to talk to that i can trust. 

me and andy probably annoyed him a lil yesterday though.. we get a little hyper sometimes.

last but definatly not least, justin. our schedules don't match up very well anymore. living together helps that because we still get to see eachother but also kinda sucks because we have less romantic moments i guess. waking up in his arms makes up for alot of that though.

next week i'm going to florida to see my grandma! i haven't seen her in years.. i hope seeing some family will put me in a better mood

so. the situation that's been messing with my emotions for months has finally been worked out. mutual agreement, accept defeat, keep the friendship.

i know it's best and i've been thinking that this would be the best move at this point. but what do i do with the love? i love him i really do, i'm realistic and rationally i'm fine, but the love, it's just different and weird and hard.

i have to work today then i'm off all week. saturday would've been our one year anniversery.. that's what's getting me

todays been a fucked up day. i dunno whats going to happen to me. i don't know if i even have the possiblity of having the life i've always wanted. i don't know if i'm ever going to have someone to be by my side and help me through times like this. who would marry someone like me? i don't know what to believe or what to think or if i can trust anyone or anything.

is this what a midlife crisis is like?

who knows